Mild panic attack

So a while back i agreed to to feed 50 people for an evening for the brilliant Toft Tavs captains dinner

Turns out whilst I’m still me I’m not the man I was. I struggled with organisation and if not for Jen doing lists for me and just generally being a pillar of calm and then Caitlin and Esme having very sensible friends to serve. I suspect the Tavs have no idea how close they were to getting nothing. As it was it was a total success, thanks girls

The team

So what have a learnt, I can’t do what I used to do that’s why I retired. Physically I get more tired, I can’t remember stuff and I can’t blag it anymore. My whole work life has been fairly chaotic But moderately successful. Mainly because of my memory and ability to think on feet. My oncologist did tell me that the bit of my brain they took out affects organisation and memory. Turns out a highly qualified experienced consultant knows more about the complexities of the brain than a caterer

Also I didn’t sleep or eat for 3 days because I became so anxious. The feeling in my body was like when I’ve forgotten to take my antidepressants. It what makes me laugh when people call it mental health, well it’s just health. When i have that empty pit in my stomach, it’s physical. What’s more as a terminally I’ll man I obviously over analyse it. Is something happening with the tumour that’s making me feel like this . No, I am discombobulated by tiredness, lack of Calories and having a Glioblastoma. When will I accept, that this makes things different

Anyway I feel a bit better now not moved out of my PJ’s much in four days, have eaten a few pies.

But it’s the first time I’ve felt that low in a while. So much I went back and sharpened up my funeral plans, songs, speakers, pall bearers.

If you’re interested Please Please Please let me get what I want, Straight to Hell, New England if I shall fall from grace of God

Anyway, on reflection should I have done it? No.

But what a fabulous family I have to support me and the Tavs would never have judged me if it had gone Pete Tong , look at them whilst hardly going to win any diversity awards. Good men everyone. I certainly have the biggest beard

I think my low mood over the last few days, is because I’ve realised I’m not the man / woman / unsure (you can tell I’ve been to a Billy Bragg gig) I was, but neither should I be. Firstly I’m 50 and secondly I have a terminal diagnosis for an incurable brain tumour. I’ve had 15 months of chemo, on top of 30 days of radio and brain surgery. It’s bound to leave a scar literally and over the months.

So whilst I’ve been a little low, I think I’m more reconciled.

Also I got to take Esme the youngest to Billy Bragg, I now have an activist in the family. I mean I have with Jen, but pushing through the generations is important

Rage Hard as Frankie used to say in Hollywoods crap 2nd album

Thank you for family and friends